Not my department, Not my problem
by Lostyourmind
Summary: While Hermione is stuck working in the Central Department of the Ministry with Ginny, someone is out to make her life even more miserable. With her still closeted gay best friend, a horny ex-boyfriend, her work wife and a duck, she tries to avoid being thrown into Azkaban while killing the culprit of all her problems.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **_It's been awhile since I posted something due to extreme morning(day & night)sickness from my pregnancy, but I'm starting to feel a little bit better so I hope you like this. It's my first Dramione fic and I'm kind of excited. The story is a little crazy, don't take it too seriously… _

**Summary: **_While Hermione is stuck working in the Central Department of the Ministry with Ginny, someone is out to make her life even more miserable. With her still closeted gay best friend, a horny ex-boyfriend, her work wife and a duck, she tries to avoid being thrown into Azkaban while killing the culprit of all her problems. _

**Disclaimer: **_I own nothing but my crazy/dirty mind…_

* * *

**Not my Department, Not my Problem**

**Chapter 1**

Whoever thought that working in the Central Department of the Ministry of Magic was right up her alley, could sincerely go and rot somewhere, somewhere very dark, below ground and preferably someplace far away from her.

"Miss Granger, did you already follow up on the reports of that nasty case in Brisbane, the one with all the Muggles and that crazy case of garden gnomes?"

"For the thirteenth time, Andrew that report should have gone up to Padma Patil she is the head of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, which should have been mine." The last part she uttered under her breath and she made sure that Andrew didn't hear a word about it.

Right after the war she didn't have it in her to take another year at Hogwarts, which was why she didn't receive any N.E.W.T.S., either you took the year and took the test or you started working for the Ministry immediately.

Harry and Ron started Auror training right away and destroying Voldemort and everything sure was a good thing to write on your resume, but in the end it didn't matter, in the end they only wanted to know how many N.E.W.T.S. you received.

Her dream had always been to work as head of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, not as a head for the Central Department. But Padma Patil had finished her last year of Hogwarts and was granted the position in her stead. She cursed herself all over again.

Kingsley had told her that his hands had been tied and that he couldn't make her head even if he had wanted too. He might be the new Minister but the Wizengamot was breathing down his neck with every step he took.

Before she started working at the Ministry she hadn't even been aware of the Department she was currently in and soon she found out why. They were the garbage can of the Wizarding World. Every case, every problem, every Ministry worker that didn't fit, was dumped in her lap.

In the last month alone she had fired six people and Andrew was well on his way to becoming the seventh. The only thing that made it bearable to work there was the fact that Ginny was right there with her.

Ginny could have gone pro, she could have played for the Holyhead Harpies and she could have gone on tour with them. But instead she decided to stay home and take care of her broken family after Fred's dead. Only Hermione knew the real reason she stayed home and it had nothing to do with all the redheads currently living at the Burrow, or with her brothers dead.

It had all to do with the raven haired boy that was a few floors up, struggling to get through Auror training.

"Psst Hermione!" Ginny hissed at her from her right. The only good thing at the Central Department was that she probably had the biggest desk of the entire Ministry. Even Kingsley's wasn't this big. It felt only right to share it with her second in command.

"What?!" She hissed back, not irritated with her but with all the other dunderheads, loitering around the Department.

"Can I please fire this one?" She frowned at her friend, who was pointing not so subtlety to Andrew, but couldn't help but feel the corners of her mouth slightly starting to twitch.

She just shrugged her shoulders and gave her a nod to go right ahead, if Ginny wouldn't do it, she would probably do it herself before the day was through. Argh! She hated that she was this person now. Firing people was so not her. She wanted to help people, not toss them aside, but apparently even she had her limits, maybe it was good to learn them now while she was still young.

"Something has got to change around here!" She proclaimed but Ginny was already chasing after Andrew and of course nobody else was listening.

Slowly she looked around the room and counted at least sixteen more people that she wanted to kick right out of the Ministry because they just didn't do shit and only cocked things up even more than they already were. Who even hired all these people, it was absurd!

She made a mental note to find out where all these people came from and get to the source of this but first she needed some lunch.

"Ginny!" She screamed across the room. She could see a few people flinch when they heard her voice and the very small Slytherin part of her grinned with glee before she ignored them all. Fear before failure was her motto nowadays.

"What?!" Ginny shouted back and she couldn't hold back a snort, Ginny was more like her then anybody could have ever guessed.

"Meet me on the second floor in ten!" She yelled back and when she got back a nod she got out of her chair to wait for her friend in the hallway.

Just before she went through the door, she turned around and could see all the eyes in the office on her. "When we return and I don't see all of you behind your desks, doing god knows what, you can all follow Andrew right out this door. Do I make myself clear?" All thirty-seven heads nodded in unison and it reminded her of Snow-white and the Seven Dwarfs somehow.

* * *

"You should have seen their faces!" Ginny was doubled over from laughing while she grabbed Harry's arm for support. "They are all so scared of her!" The redhead was having the time of her life and she couldn't help but snort a little.

"I used to do homework with her, I'd be right scared too if I was in that office." Ron shivered with a grin and she used her old beaded handbag to whack him on the head, the one with the extension charm. "See!" He exclaimed.

Harry was supporting Ginny while laughing with her and tried at the same time to hold up his tray of food. "So you're telling me that the two of you are having lunch right now, while forcing them to keep working, you two are downright evil, are you sure you don't belong in Slytherin?"

Ginny quickly threw up her hands. "Hé, I'm just a very good employee, who listens to her boss."

"Oh yes, Miss-can-I-please-fire-Andrew, we should totally pity you." Hermione sneered and stuck out her tongue like a child.

They all ordered food and tried to find a table in the ruckus that was Wednesday lunch at the Ministry. Nobody really knew why but Wednesday's were the worst, apparently everybody had business at the Ministry on Wednesday's.

"Oh before I forget Mione, go to the Ministry ball with me next week, please." Ron asked her with his mouth full, almost spraying her with whatever was in there.

She grinned. "You do know we're not dating anymore, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, it was a bloody nightmare, I remember." He waved her off.

"It wasn't that bad…" She muttered, folding her arms across her chest, feeling just a tiny bit offended.

He just shrugged his shoulders. "Mione you were worse than my Mom, no offense."

Harry and Ginny were just following their exchange with great interest and probably making silent bets again on how long it would take for either of them to explode and start a fight.

"Geez Ron, thanks a lot you pig!" She wasn't aware that she was gripping the table with her fingers so hard that the whole thing started to shake.

She was aware though that Harry was kicking Ron underneath the table, trying to get him to stop talking. "I didn't mean it like that Mione, you know I love you and you're my best friend," He glanced over to Harry. "One of my best friends, but it's already going to be awkward and I rather have someone next to me who isn't annoying and not dating me because of this one," He pointed his thumb towards Harry, "And besides, you look bloody hot in those muggle dresses."

She lifted her eyebrows. "You also know that I'm not going to shag you again, right?" Using air quotes around the word shag.

"What the hell are you doing with your hands? Is that a muggle thing?"

This time it was Harry who went into a fit of laughter first and Ginny just shaking her head. "No, that's you being a dumbass big brother." Ron went red-faced and grumbled at his sister for making a fool out of him.

Hermione was still looking at him with her eyebrows raised and he quickly threw his hands in the air, disappointment obvious on his red face. "Yes Hermione, I heard you, no shagging."

"Thank Merlin," Muttered Harry when Ron finally signaled his defeat. "We all know how that ended last time!"

"Hé, we agreed not to talk about that ever again! Ginny, I think it's time to go and see how our flock of idiots is fairing, if they haven't already destroyed the office already." Hermione quickly jumped to her feet, not trying to think back of the incident after the remembrance ball of the War last year.

Harry and Ron also got back up, already complaining about their training routine and their pairing. When they started Auror training, they had expected to become each other's partners for the rest of their careers, but right at the start of it, they had been tested profoundly and they had received partners following the outcome of their tests.

Ron had been partnered with Seamus Finnegan, which according to Hermione was still the worst idea ever. Between Seamus' talent to blow things up and Ron's talent to muck things up, it was just a disaster waiting to happen. After all, it wouldn't be the first bad decision the Ministry ever made.

And while Ron was pretty happy with his partner, they weren't overly close but they had been roommates for six years, Harry had been furious with the Ministry for their choice in partners. Hermione couldn't blame him, Theodore Nott wouldn't have been her choice of partner either.

* * *

When the two of them returned to the office they weren't surprised to see that nobody was in their assigned seats, paper planes were flying everywhere, one way or another there was a pond with a duck in the middle of the office and there was smoke coming from the small kitchen in the back.

For a minute they stood dumbfounded in the opening of the office, frozen in shock, even third years at Hogwarts couldn't create this much havoc in so little time. "Kill me now." Hermione groaned.

"I'm not killing you that will leave me to deal with this…zoo." Ginny replied dryly.

"You could always kill yourself right after you killed me." Hermione rolled off her tongue.

"I knew they didn't call you the brightest witch of our age for nothing," Ginny grinned. "Always the problem solver."

Without further discussion Ginny turned her wand towards her throat, snapped a Sonorous and started barking out orders. Hermione just leaned back against the door frame and gave people the evil eye when they even dared to look at her.

"Evers, Smith, Grey, Bennett, Campbell, Grant, Jenkins and Roberts, OUT!" Ginny yelled while she pointed her finger towards the door. "RIGHT FUCKING NOW. AND DON'T BOTHER COMING BACK!" She added when they were hesitant to take the only exit present, where their (now ex-)boss was lounging. Apparently Ginny bosomed even more fear then Hermione could because they practically ran passed her on their way to freedom.

The remaining people in the office were all staring at the ground, trying not to move to attract any further attention. Ginny swirled around focusing on one person in particular. "Parker, I really expected better from you, you are going to write a detailed report on what exactly happened here when we were gone, it will be on my desk before the end of the day. As for the rest of you, start cleaning, I want this place spotless in the same amount of time it took you to destroy it in the first place. Oh and it will happen without your wands, from now on you will leave your wand with me when you enter the office in the morning and you'll get it back when you leave at the end of the day." A few faces eyed them with disbelief and she could see a few mouths open, as if to comment. "DON'T EVEN FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GO TO WORK!"

Ginny had dropped down into the nearest chair, massaging her temples when Hermione looked around the room for a second time. "Wait a second…" She did another take. "Where is Mister Turner?"

Another bout of silence. "I'm waiting," Her voice low and very clearly laced with venom.

It was a small woman around the age of fifty that finally pointed a trembling finger to the pond in the middle of the office and more precisely to the duck that was happily swimming around in it.

"Oh for fuck's sake!" She flicked her wand at the duck, levitating it right into the arms of the trembling woman and send them to St. Mungo's.

She seethed in anger for a few more seconds, told Ginny she would be back and made her way to the elevators. She had no idea where to start looking for the culprit of her problem but it was certain that these dunderheads were send to her on purpose and she was going to find out by whom.

It took her three more elevator rides, five sweeps through different departments and finally holding Percy Weasley in a headlock on another elevator ride, trying to assure him that it was a life or dead situation that she found out who send her all those employees, because surely one of these day's she was going to kill one of them, when she heard a voice from the back of the elevator.

"I was wondering how long it was going to take the bright Hermione Granger to catch on. What is it Granger, aren't you happy with all those workers that I send you? What is that muggle saying? More hands make light work…"

Absolutely seething with anger she turned around on her heels and her eyes met his in an instant that foul smirk decorating his ugly face. "I should have known," She spewed through gritted teeth. "Of course it's you! This time I'm really going to kill you, Malfoy!" She spat and Percy had barely enough time to grab the back of her robes when she launched at him.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **_This story is getting more ridiculous by the minute, lol. Enjoy! _

**Chapter 2**

"I still don't understand why Percy held me back," She grumbled while Harry was trying to push her back into her chair, but she couldn't keep still, she needed to pace, she needed to come up with a plan to kill Malfoy, or at least get the best revenge that was possible, he truly deserved it this time.

"Because otherwise I would have had to arrest you and let you spend a night in Azkaban Mione, do you really want that?" Harry sighed, pushing her down again.

It didn't faze her one bit. "If that is what it takes, I'll gladly take a night in Azkaban!"

"You don't know what you're saying, the Dementors are still there, it's cold, dirty and utterly miserable, you'd go mad within a day, believe me, Malfoy is not worth it."

She ogled him with big eyes. "Since when are you Malfoy's advocate? Last time I checked you hated him even more than I did." She huffed.

Harry grumbled. "He's not that bad anymore."

"What?!" She yelled loudly while Harry covered his ears. "Says the boy who turned Hogwarts upside down to prove that Malfoy was a Death Eater, which he was, need I remind you?"

"Exactly, he was. After the war he apologized, to you as well and you know it, I got to know him, he's not that bad." Harry didn't meet her eyes and she felt her anger rise even more when she figured out that he kept his apparent friendship with Malfoy a secret from her.

She almost had a grip on the statue that was adorning Harry's bookcase in his office when Harry grabbed her wrist, damn Auror training! "Let go of me, I need to smash something." She hissed.

"Merlin Hermione, since when are you this violent?" Harry had his eyebrows raised and she tried to dig through her brain. She knew he was right, she had never been this vindictive but somehow Malfoy brought out the worst in her.

She sighed deeply, she knew that she was more violent than she had ever been but ever since the war ended, she didn't really know what to do with herself. Her nightmares were at an all-time high, something she hadn't struggled with during the war but now she sometimes woke up with her entire room destroyed, and no recollection of what happened.

When she didn't answer him he didn't press on the fact that she couldn't tell him why, but more what she could do about it. "What have you tried?"

"Tried?" She stared at him, slowly putting down the figurine.

"Yes, tried. Surely you have gotten help for it, like I did with my nightmares. I know it sounds dumb but sitting on a strangers couch, vomiting all your fears and problems is kind of soothing.

"Soothing?" Of course she hadn't gotten any help, she was Hermione Granger and she could solve this on her own.

"Are you going to repeat everything I say?" Her best friend got a little irritated and she couldn't blame him.

"Never mind, I'll figure it out, it will probably all go away if I make Malfoy go away," She got up again and was reaching for the door.

"That was not exactly what I had in m-…Hermione where are you going?!" Harry was yelling after her but she was already hallway through the hallway, on her way to the elevators to go up to the eight floor and kill that bastard.

It took her less than eight minutes to reach the eight floor and stomp to the end of the hallway and knock, or rather slam on the door of Malfoy's office, right before changing her mind and using her wand to just bombard the thing and get it out of the way.

Unfortunately she had forgotten how much of a mess it used to make and while coughing because of the smoke, she tumbled into the office, right into the arms of the man she so dearly hated.

"Wowow Granger, watch it woman," The man of her nightmares had his hands, his fucking hands, on her hips and without thinking she tried to bring up her knee to kick him in the balls.

He was quicker than her and blocked her charge with his own leg, gripping her hips more firmly. "Oh no, I don't think so." His hands transferred to her upper arms and squeezed them tightly. "You already had your shot once, there won't be a second time."

"That was third year, you're long due for another one." She shot back and tried again, which he blocked efficiently.

"I've hardly done anything to deserve this kind of treatment Granger, care to explain your sudden rage?" He innocently asked, still keeping her at arm's length.

She was seething. "You know perfectly well why I'm angry with you. I have a department full of idiots downstairs, which, and it's confirmed by plenty of people, you send to me. You're just doing this to torment me and I'm not having it."

His smirk was frustratingly present and she could feel sweat covering her entire body, even her knickers were damp. "Now, now Granger, the only thing I did was provide you with enough employees to fulfill your tasks, how am I in the wrong here? All I wanted to do was help."

Innocent was not a good look on him. "You purposely sending me dunderheads and they're destroying my office, literally. They are anything but helpful so if you don't want me to punch you in the face again, I suggest you back the fuck off." See, she could be polite if she wanted too.

It was right then that Harry came charging into the office, clearly out of breath, with Ron, Seamus and Theo right on his heels. Great.

"Hermione, he's not worth it," Ron of course, always the dumbass.

"I can't let you do this Hermione," Harry, because always the savior.

"I forgot my fucking camera," Seamus, because who else.

"Malfoy, you okay?" Theo, always the fucking Slytherin.

It took both Harry and Ron to hold her back once Malfoy let go of her arms. She knew that what she was doing was far from professional but one way or another Malfoy provoked something in her that was rather primal.

Her cheeks were probably flushed bright red and her hair must be a nightmare by now but somehow she didn't care. All she cared about was the fact that Malfoy had done this purely to annoy her and he needed to be punished for that, but telling Harry somehow made her sound like a snitch and she hadn't been one since Hogwarts.

"Let go of me this instant," She hissed to her two best friends and they reluctantly loosened their grip but didn't let go. "I won't attack him," She promised and they finally let go.

"Thank Merlin, Potter you need to keep that one in check because she's a danger to the Ministry." Malfoy stirred the pot again.

"Don't start, ferret, you'll get what's coming to you, don't you worry." She pointed at him with an icy glare and turned around and marched out of his partially destroyed office.

"Oi, who's paying for that door Granger!" Malfoy yelled after her and she flipped him without looking back.

"Just ask your daddy, you're rather good at that," She yelled for good measure and took the shortest route to the floo grates, there was no way in hell that she was going back to work right now. She needed a bath, some pizza and a good movie to cry to.

* * *

The next day started off rather grim when she spotted one of her employees with Mister Turner, the duck, in her arms and she already knew it would be another tiresome day.

"Didn't Miss Weasley tell you to take Mister Turner to St. Mungo's?" She sighed with an irritated tone.

The woman was trembling, obviously afraid of her. Good. "Yes, they said they couldn't help him right away, they were swamped and we made an appointment for next week."

"Well, he better be alive by next week or you're fired as well." She didn't care that the woman flinched, that was how much of a heartless bitch she had become.

"Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about, my boyfriend is apparently allergic to ducks, I had no idea, so I can't keep him with me." The woman whined, she didn't even know her name and tried to pick her brain to come up with it, something with an L.

"Then toss him out," Hermione deadpanned.

"But you just told me to take care of him?" Confusion was written all over Lancaster's face, no not Lancaster, Lester?

"Not the duck, the boyfriend," She sighed again.

The woman looked at her in shock, clearly at a loss for words. Okay, maybe that was a little harsh, it was hardly the woman's fault, was it?

"Never mind, hand me the duck," How hard could it be to take care of such a small animal, he was rather cute after all and she petted the speckled animal which quacked with what seemed like happiness.

She directed the woman back to work, Lester, Lorry or whatever the hell her name was, and ducked Turner the duck underneath her arm, snuggling him closer.

Once at her desk she waited for Ginny to arrive and in the meanwhile started to plot Malfoy's demise. That man needed to pay for what he was doing to her and she needed a subtle plan. She had to make sure that they couldn't trace it back to her or her department.

She was furiously scribbling away when Ginny walked in and raised a curious eyebrow from her to the duck and back again. "Is that Mister Turner?"

The duck quacked twice and she looked up. "Oh don't start, St. Mungo's didn't have any room and Lackey's boyfriend is allergic to ducks of all things, I think I rather like him as a duck, better than an employee at least."

"Lackey?" Was all Ginny asked and that probably meant that also wasn't the woman's name.

"Yes, her," She waved backwards, not bothering searching out the right woman.

Ginny just hauled up her shoulders and took the seat next to her.

"Cover his office in duck shit, sent him a never-ending cloud of rain, put gnomes in his office… Hermione tell me this isn't revenge against Malfoy? These are rather petty." Ginny snickered and tried to pry her coffee away from Turner the duck.

"Well, he needs to pay somehow and the first one is probably not working, you're right, I only have one duck after all." Turner quacked again as if he agreed with her and she wondered how much he really understood.

Ginny seemed to think for a minute. "If you ever need the gnomes, you know where to find them."

They both dissolved into laughter and she could already see Malfoy with his prissy blond hair and his tailored clothes trying to rid himself of a couple of dozen gnomes, clawing away at his ankles.

"Nah, you're right, I need to come up with something better. I'll think of something and in the meantime I'll make myself useful by sorting all these unresolved cases that once again made a way onto our desk."

* * *

It took three more days before she had to see Malfoy again, in the meantime employees kept piling on her doorstep and Malfoy seemed determined as ever to make her life a living hell.

Only it was Malfoy this time that stood angrily at her desk on a Friday morning. "What have you done?" He said to clenched teeth and she honest to god had no idea what he was talking about.

"Huh?" She reacted rather uninterested, glad the tables were turned for once.

"Where the hell is he? What have you done?"

What the fuck was he going on about? "I haven't done anything and if that was all, I kindly request you leave my office, oh and while you're at it, take those fuck up's with you, I believe they belong to you." She said dryly.

"My father! What have you done to my father? He's gone missing right around that day that you barged into my office with threats, knee's and what not." His fingers were gripping her desk and were going paler than usual.

For a minute she didn't know how to react and then she started to laugh. "Your father? What makes you take I'm capable of doing anything to your father?" She laughed even louder now.

"You're capable of anything when your mad." He wasn't far off, but Lucius Malfoy? Come off it, that man was an enigma and highly capable of defending himself.

"You can laugh all you want Granger, but if I find out, and I will, that you have my father, there will be hell to pay! And since when do you have fucking duck?!" Malfoy yelled and she quickly stuck her hand out to calm Turner, who had been quacking like mad ever since Malfoy showed up, maybe he was protecting her, how sweet.

"I don't have your father Malfoy, I would never stoop so low, that's more your expertise, and hands off my duck! If I find out you hurt him, you'll be the one eating dirt, now get out of my office before I call the Aurors!" She yelled and held out her wand for good measure. How dare he accuse her of kidnapping his father! As if she would want to kidnap such a horrid man?!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The day's leading up to the Ministry ball went by rather slowly and it was fairly quiet around her office for a change. Ginny had taken a few days off to shop for her dress and have some days off at the same time as Harry. She couldn't blame her, Hermione wished she had someone to spend her days with and she tried to remember that last time she had gotten laid. Circe's cunt, it must be with Ron, last year at the remembrance ball. Horrible, just horrible.

She hadn't wanted to go with him but nobody else had asked her and Ron had persisted that she shouldn't go alone, it had seemed awfully sweet of him and since their break up, three months before that, she had been rather lonely.

Taking him up on that offer had been the biggest mistake of her life and it had been splayed all over the Daily Prophet, not helping her reputation at the Ministry one bit.

The event had been horrible, she and Ron had bickered all night and not danced once, so when Ron had talked her into shagging one last time, she was beyond the point of caring, probably way too drunk and had followed him into an alcove, maybe one last shag would make her feel better.

Safe to say that Ron's pimply arse splayed all over the papers and her red face and her hair a freaking nightmare, trying to hide behind his freckled form, hardly made her feel better. Harry and Ginny had laughed for days and Ginny had even hung up the article in her office. Finally it had blown over but it had apparently cured her from sex for quite a bit.

Maybe that's why she was so angry lately, she just needed to get laid.

Absentmindedly she stroked Turner, still the duck, and carried on with her work. Turner had turned out to be quite the perfect familiar and if it weren't unethical she would have cancelled the appointment at St. Mungo's that was scheduled in over four days, right after the weekend the ball would take place.

Turner didn't get angry at her, he always seemed to be happy, he liked snuggling and he was potty trained, just the way she wanted her future boyfriend to be, was that too much to ask?

Apparently everything was too much to ask when the next load of shitty employees turned up right that moment and she already knew she was in trouble when she spotted Goyle among the fresh batch.

Okay, this was it! She had reached her limits. She directed Smith to take over for her, show the new ones their desks and wait further instructions upon her return. There was no point in warning them because she would find mayhem when she returned anyway. Warning them only seemed to spur them on.

Taking a few elevator rides she took a deep breath before charging into Malfoy's office without knocking. She was rather proud of herself for not blasting his door this time.

"Granger, what a surprise!" Malfoy exclaimed with his trademark smirk. "Here to return my father?"

"He's still missing?" She lost track of what she wanted to say, this seemed rather odd, people like Lucius Malfoy didn't just go missing.

"You know that's he's missing because you're the one who's kidnapped him, the only reason why you're still walking around is because your lapdog Potter is working in the Aurors department." He sounded bitter and her anger flared up again.

She bolted forwards, yanking him out of his office chair by his shirt and pressed him against his own desk. "I will tell you once more, and only once, I don't have your fucking father! I'll tell Harry it's serious but that's not why I'm here! Goyle, Malfoy? Fucking Goyle? Do you want me dead? Soon you'll pay for all this you piece of shit!"

She tried to hit him in the balls again with her knee but once again his reflexes were faster than hers. He blocked her attempt and grabbed her right elbow, turned her around faster than she could blink, and twisted it behind her back while pushing her face forwards against his desk.

She could feel him pressed against her back and her heart rate doubled. His body was all hard planes of muscle and she couldn't remember anything, she couldn't think. She tried to swallow and found her throat dry as sand.

"You will not try to kick me in the balls ever again, Granger," He hissed lowly against her ear and she shivered violently, not sure if it was out of fear or something else.

"Or else?" Was the only thing coming to mind.

Malfoy didn't answer, he just pushed his body harder against hers and she felt like the wind had got knocked out of her when she felt the outline of his semi-erect cock against her bum. It took every ounce inside of her not to wiggle or move, because it would give away that she rather enjoyed this and she flushed right crimson when she felt a gush of wetness smirching her knickers. Oh sweet Merlin, this wasn't happening.

Instead she whimpered, she fucking whimpered and she wanted to die right here, right now.

"Well, well, well, look who likes it rough," Malfoy hissed again into her ear and this time she couldn't help it when she shudder made her move her behind just a little bit.

"Looks like I'm not the only one," She finally found her voice again and this time moved back on purpose, slowly rotating her bum into the hard panel of his now fully erect cock and it was Malfoy's turn to gasp.

"What's stopping me from fucking you on my desk right now Granger, give me one good reason." He pushed into her more firmly and she whimpered again.

Before they could take it any further there was a knock on his door and they both jumped back in shock.

She tried to sort out her hair but knew it was a lost cause and just righted her clothing before returning to the front of the desk and waited for Malfoy to straighten out his hair, which was a lot easier to fix, and try to cover his erection, a much harder thing to accomplish.

"Come in," Malfoy's voice croaked a bit and she tried to hold back a giggle while he smirked evilly at her.

When she saw Goyle standing in the door opening she feared the worst for her own office and without wasting another word she flipped Malfoy the finger and stormed past Goyle to get downstairs as fast as possible.

The second thing that alarmed her were the people running away from the direction of her office and when green clouds of smoke started to suffocate her the closer she came, she really wanted to punch something.

Quickly casting a bubble-head charm she dived around the corner and entered her office when there wasn't really anything to see, as far as her eye reached she could only detect the green smoke, like a thick blanket.

"Hello?! Is anyone still in there?" At first she didn't receive any answer but when she listened a bit harder she could make out a faint quack. Oh sweet mother of Merlin, Turner!

After checking if the bubble-head charm was still effective she stormed into the office and with shaky hands she let her hand and feet guide her around the desks. She had no idea what caused the green smoke and she really didn't care to find out, after this she would definitely quit and go back to school. Enough was enough.

The quacking came louder when she came closer to what was probably her desk and she would fire everyone solely for leaving an animal in a dangerous situation. What kind of person does something like that?

She grabbed Turner when her hands came into contact with the grimy feathers of the duck and quickly tucked him underneath her arm while stroking him with the other. "Don't worry Turner, I'll take care of you, all those idiots will pay for what they did."

She safely made her way out of the office and locked it quickly with her wand and summoned the aurors, this was_ so_ not her mess anymore.

The aurors arrived quickly and she was glad to finally not be responsible anymore. She decided to send out memo's to everyone that was currently working for her and Ginny, to all be present Monday morning first thing. She would fire the lot and then she would take Turner to his appointment to St. Mungo's and afterwards fire his ass as well because although he made a great duck, he was also a terrible employee.

* * *

"What do you mean with he had a hard-on? Like an actual erection? Are you taking the piss?" Ginny was rolled halfway off the couch, laughing so hard that she almost chocked on her own spit and Hermione really wanted to kick her right now.

"Yes you laugh you bitch, I knew I should have never given you those days off, they almost killed me, or was it Malfoy? I don't know anymore, what is wrong with the fucking Ministry?!" She was beyond herself and Ginny was still laughing and she had to admit that it was a little bit funny.

Soon they were rolling around on the ground and when Harry came into the room he just stared at them with wide eyes. "Ahum," He coughed, clearly out of loss what to do with them.

"Sorry honey, Hermione almost had sex with Malfoy in his office, our department is pretty much over and I think I'm a little bit drunk," Ginny giggled and tossed her most charming smile towards her boyfriend whose eyes went even wider.

"I think I'll be staying at Theo's tonight, have fun," He hastily said and didn't even kiss Ginny before he went through the floo.

Hermione must have a weird look on her face because Ginny started crying out of nowhere, the minute the green flames turned orange again. Quickly she turned around to find out what was wrong with her best friend. "We'll find another job Gin, or we go back to school, it might not be so bad, can't be worse than the office," She tried to console her.

"No, no, it's not that," She sniffed. "It's me and Harry, I'm sure we're as good as over and I'm pretty sure that Harry's not even into me, into women at all." She wailed loudly.

With wide eyes she stared at her best friend. "Why would you say something like that? Harry's has been in love with you since sixth year, maybe you just reached a rough patch?"

Ginny only started to cry harder and through some hic-ups she tried to explain. "We haven't had sex in over six months, he stays at Theo's more than he does at home and I saw him check out that bloke from the Chudley Canons at the Quidditch match last Sunday."

She honestly had no idea how to react to this. Had she been that self-absorbed that she hadn't noticed that her best friend might be gay? And with Theo? What's with all those Slytherins trying to mess up their lives? First Malfoy, now Theo, who was next? Oh wait, let's not forget Goyle who probably destroyed their department.

"Ginny, are you sure?" She had to check, already knowing the answer.

"I'm really sure!" She wailed and hid her head between her hands. "He's cheating on me and doesn't even have the balls to tell me!"

"Then we have to go over there, catch him red handed!" Hermione jumped up. Harry might be her best friend, Ginny was her best girlfriend and she hated injustice.

Ginny's eyes went wide. "Oh hell no, I don't want to see it, you can go but I'm staying right here."

Hermione towered over her. "Like hell you will! Ginevra Anne Weasley, get your arse up from that floor and listen to me, you're Ginny freaking Weasley and you take shit from no one, not even the Chosen One! Now follow me!"

All Ginny could do was nod and follow Hermione towards the fireplace. They both called Nott's estate at the same time and stepped into the green flames.

Hermione didn't know what they would encounter but a crying Harry Potter on the couch of Theodore Nott, was not what she had in mind.

The boy's jumped when they tumbled ungracefully out of the fire place, even though they were miles apart from each other.

"Ginny, Hermione? What are you doing here?" Theo stammered, a blush crept up his cheeks.

"To get some answers." Hermione answered shortly. "Why is Harry crying."

"Am not," Came Harry's muffled voice from behind his hands.

"Are you cheating on me?" Ginny blurted out of nowhere and Hermione groaned loudly, this was so not planned.

Harry abruptly stopped hiding and looked at her with tear streaked eyes. "No, Ginny, I would never do that to you."

"Then what is going on?" She demanded. Hermione stepped aside to let Ginny reach Harry in a few steps and take the place next to him on the sofa.

"We need to talk…" No shit Sherlock. Hermione rolled her eyes and grabbed Theo's arm and quickly made their exit.

"Which way is the kitchen," She hissed and she strode into the direction that Theo pointed at, still tugging him along.

"Let's give them some privacy and in the meantime you can tell me what you know," She dumped Theo at the nearest chair and took the one opposite him.

"I don't think it's my place to say anything," Theo started but blinked when he saw the look on Hermione's face. "Or maybe I can tell you something."

She nodded to spur him on and wait for him to continue. "I'm gay and I think Harry might be as well, but he doesn't know how to deal with it, oh and nothing happened between us if that's what you're wondering, witch you probably are."

Okay that was practically everything but she was glad she knew the truth now. Who would have thought, Harry Potter gay? She had no problem with the fact that he is gay but she did have some problems with how he dealt with it concerning Ginny. He should have told her the truth from the start. And if she was honest, a small part of her was a little hurt because he hadn't discussed it with her, weren't they supposed to be like brother and sister?


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **_The last and final chapter! Happy Valentine's Day everyone!_

* * *

**Chapter 4**

"What is taking them so long?" Hermione looked impatiently at her pocket watch.

In the end Ginny had talked to Harry for over two hours and they had both spoken the truth on how they felt about each other. Ginny was obviously still in love with him but she could see how much he was struggling and it really was out of her hands, and his hands as well. If he really felt like this, she could only respect that and try to move on. She had to admit that it would hurt like hell if she saw him with another boy, who would probably be Theo, but she preferred it over seeing him with another girl.

In the end Ginny and Hermione decided to attend the ball with Harry, Ron, Theo and Seamus, as friends of course but the boys were late, as always.

"Maybe we should just go in and we'll see them later," Ginny offered and tried to tug Hermione along.

"But we promised," Hermione argued.

"Yes, but will it really make a difference, it's not as if we're their dates," She could see why Ginny got tired of waiting and maybe she wanted to make an entrance without Harry to get it over with, the rest of the Wizarding World would know soon enough that the golden couple had split.

"Okay, let's go," Hermione finally agreed and opened the doors to the ball room. It was big and hardly ever used, which made it that much more impressive. Every inch was decorated with pictures of people that had fallen during the final battle and the days leading up to them.

"Granger," was hissed in her ear and a shiver ran down her spine, she knew that voice.

"Malfoy," She said coolly and slowly turned around. Malfoy was much closer then she expected and his cologne made her knees tremble a little, just a little.

"You look positively edible tonight," He purred and she fought the blush that tried to creep up her cheeks.

"I do not," She argued back before she even apprehended what he said to her.

Malfoy laughed at her defiance and used his finger to trace it from her finger to her shoulder. "Save me a dance tonight, Granger." And with those words he took off.

"I don't know how you can stand him, he really gives me the creeps." Ginny whispered.

"I don't know, ever since he almost assaulted me in his office, it's all I can think about. I know I haven't always made the best decisions about men but I really want to find out how Malfoy is between the sheets, if he's rubbish I will finally have the opportunity to kick him in the balls, I'll be so close I won't miss this time."

Ginny giggled and just tugged her towards the dance floor while scooping two glasses of champagne for them on the way over. "First we have to dance before you can ditch me!"

They spend hours on the dance floor, using multiple cooling charms to not get all sweaty and when the music eventually tuned down and turned into some slow songs they moved to the buffet, where Harry, Ron, Seamus and Theo were permanently stationed. Of course Ron would never stray very far when there was food involved and Seamus did like a full plate as well.

"Hi boys," Hermione puffed totally out of breath. "Aren't you dancing?" She giggled and they all looked at her as if she spouted at least three heads.

"Dancing is for the crazy," Ron mumbled with his mouth full, spraying food everywhere.

"And stuffing food in your face like you haven't eaten in weeks isn't?" Hermione kipped back.

Ron just shrugged his shoulders and went on with tearing flesh of some bone, utterly disgusting. It was right in that moment that Malfoy came over and ticked her on the shoulder.

"I believe you still owe me a dance Granger," He grinned with his trademark smirk and let his fingers slide on her hips.

"I don't owe you anything but fine, I'll give you one dance, better make it a good one," She played along and didn't notice all the stunned looks of her friends.

Dancing with Malfoy turned out to be torture, sexual torture to be precise. It was like foreplay but without the main event, at least not yet. His fingers drove her mad and his hard body was flush against hers.

"Is that your wand Malfoy or are you just happy to see me?" She giggled in his ear and she really wanted to hit herself for making such a lewd remark, what was wrong with her?

He laughed out loud and grabbed her hip a little tighter. "That's definitely _not_ my wand Granger and you know it. Care to take this elsewhere?"

Was she really doing this, was she really going to have sex with Draco fucking Malfoy?

Hell yes she was. "As long as it's not within the Ministry and as long as it's not traceable by the Daily Prophet."

He nodded excitedly and started to push her towards the exit. "You are so not going to regret this," He nipped her ear a little and she felt another shiver all the way over her back.

"Wait!" She stopped him for a minute. "You're not taking me to the Manor are you?" She panicked slightly, she never wanted to see that place again.

"No, of course not, I do have my own place you know and father is putting it up for sale." He seemed affronted by her accusation but she wouldn't feel sorry for this.

"So you found him then, your father?" She tried to change the subject.

Malfoy frowned for a few seconds. "You really don't have him?"

She rolled her eyes. "As I told you before, I really don't have him, if you still doubt me by now, maybe we shouldn't do this."

He quickly pulled her against him again. "No, I apologize, if you say you don't have him, I believe you, let's go."

He apparated them away as soon as they reached the exit and she didn't have time to look around where they ended because the moment her feet touched the ground, his lips were on hers.

His mouth was softer and warmer than she imagined. He always came across as cold and stiff but he was anything but. Well, something was stiff but she preferred it that way.

"Wait," She breathed between kisses and pushed a little against his chest.

"What?" He groaned.

"I need to pee," She laughed and eventually he chuckled.

"Second door on the right," He pointed and reluctantly let her go. "Hurry!"

Quickly she locked herself in the bathroom and took a deep breath, she didn't really need to pee but she just needed a second to think this over. She took another deep breath, decided to pee anyway, Merlin knew when she would get the chance again, washed her hands and spoke a refreshment charm just to be sure.

The moment she came from the bathroom Malfoy was on her again and this time she let him. He kissed her passionately again and let him drag her towards the door at the end of the hall, she didn't need to guess to know it was his bedroom.

The burgundy dress she was wearing lay soon forgotten on the floor and his dress robes weren't far behind.

"You smell so bloody fantastic," Malfoy breathed down her neck while he sucked his way towards her breasts, pulling away the small cups that were holding them.

When he pinched her nipples she moaned loudly and dragged his head towards them so he could suck on them. He sucked with just the right amount of pressure and she groaned while trying to stay upright.

"I need to lie down," She whimpered and quickly he pulled her into his arms and carried her to the bed, slowly laying her down on his oh so soft sheets, she could lay here for days.

Next he worked on her underwear and he tossed the flimsy piece away from them as soon as he got it free. "I'm going to taste you Hermione," He whispered and she didn't know if she was more turned on by his language or the use of her first name.

"You do that," She whimpered and pushed him between her legs.

She hardly recognized herself, she was never this brazen when it came to sex and with Ron she had always let him lead, waiting to see what was coming. Going down on her wasn't one of those things unfortunately but she wasn't going to tell Malfoy that she had never experienced it.

The moment his tongue hit her center, she almost shot right of the bed, bucking her hips wildly. "Easy," He mumbled and firmly held her down with one hand.

She tried to relax but she had no idea what he was doing down there but it felt incredibly good. She moaned like a wanton whore and tried to grind against his face, not caring whatsoever he thought about it. He wanted to lick her down there, and lick he would. How had she been missing out on this?

"Please don't stop!" She wailed and bucked again when he hit her clit and sucked on it. "Do it faster," She spurred him on.

He chuckled and doubled his efforts, which immediately paid off, before she knew it she was coming harder than she had ever before and mewled against her hand, trying to muffle the sounds she was making.

"Do it again," She ordered and quickly covered her mouth with her hand before she would say more, what the hell was she thinking?

Malfoy apparently didn't care at all because he started licking again and used one of his fingers to enter her as well, this was absolutely heaven.

She came three more times by his mouth when he finally admitted that his jaw was started to cramp but that if she wanted to he would continue later on but that right now he'd really liked to fuck her.

"After that and with the promise of more you can fuck me as many times as you want," She admitted and kissed him roughly on the mouth, not caring that he was covered with her essence.

He laughed at that and lined himself up, pushing into her with one swift movement. It was his turn to groan now. "Circe's cunt you're tight," He seemed to have his teeth clenched and she giggled while she tightened her inner muscles and gripped him harder.

"Stop that or I won't last," He warned her sternly and while she giggled once more, she squeezed again and again.

"Merlin Hermione, stop!" He looked as if he was in pain but she knew better and all she wanted was to make him lose control.

She moved a little forward, pushing him even further and squeezed again, which seemed to be his downfall.

"Fucking hell! Hermione!" He growled and she could feel him buck against her and his warm seed follow quickly after. He slumped forwards burying his face in her hair and groaned repeatedly. "Way to make a guy feel embarrassed and I really wanted to make you come again." He confessed.

She smiled. "You can make me come again later but I really enjoyed this."

"Oh I will make you come again, and again, and again…"

* * *

After she had left Malfoy's apartment on Monday morning, after two nights of perfect orgasms and fantastic sex, she checked up on Mr. Turner and found him snuggled up between her bed sheets, doing perfectly fine and she sighed with relief. She would really miss him when he would be back to normal.

"Are you ready to be human again Turner?" She cuddled the little creature and talked to him with her sweetest baby voice. "I'm going to miss you." She kissed the duck on the top of his head and apparated the two of them to St. Mungo's.

"Good morning, I have an appointment to restore someone to their original state, a little spell-mishap." She said to the lady at the welcoming desk.

She scanned her paperwork and looked at her from over her half-moon spectacles, reminding her a little of Minerva McGonagall. "Yes, I have it here, Miss Granger with Ministry employee, through the doors on the left, second door on the right, you don't have to knock."

Following the woman's directions she quickly found the small observation room and waited for the Medi-witch or Wizard to turn up.

She didn't have to wait long before a short sturdy man walked in, quickly scanning the paperwork. "Ah yes, a transfiguration mistake, we'll fix that within the minute, stand back please and place the duck on the floor, yes exactly like that, stand back now."

She did as the man told her and nervously bit her nails while waiting to see the results. She would really miss her new familiar but it would be highly unethical to leave someone as a duck for the rest of their lives, just because she wanted a pet.

The Medi-Wizard used a spell she hadn't heard before and she repeated it in her mind to search for it later. There was a little bit of smoke and her vision turned blurry for a few seconds. When the smoke finally cleared she had to blink a few seconds before she administered who was in front of her.

"MISTER MALFOY?!" It almost made her faint but she supported herself on the wall behind her. "How in Merlin's name?"

"Hello Miss Granger," Lucius grinned at her with his familiar smirk. "Thank you for taking such good care of me, I was rather, stuck."

"Draco was right, damn it, I did have you." She really hated losing, no matter in what way.

He chuckled lowly, clearly highly amused by all this. "Yes, I tried warning you but clearly you have to work on your duck translating skills, not that I really minded, you're awfully cuddly."

Her cheeks went bright red, she had been petting and caressing the man whose son she had been shagging all weekend, this couldn't get any more awkward.

"Wait a minute, how did you even end up in my office?" She did possess a little bit of sanity thank Merlin.

He laughed out loud now. "Well, believe it or not, my animagus form is that of a duck and I thought it fun to spy a little on how you handled Draco's shit storm of employees, I was rather bored at home and Draco used to rant on and on about you so I came to check it out. Your crazy employees found me pretty quickly and thought it fun to play with me, before I could turn back there were some hexes, probably made up and I was stuck, they did give me a pond though to swim in, which was rather nice, although not as nice as bathing time at your place Miss Granger." He winked at her and she flushed red as far as it could reach. She had taken Lucius Malfoy to bath, absolutely fucking naked.

She groaned loudly, how was she ever going to explain this to Draco?

Probably reading her mind Lucius laughed again. "Don't tell my son I was the duck, we'll tell him after the two of you are married," She sputtered at that. "No need to make up excuses, I know how the two of you have been dancing around each other. All I'm asking is that you let me be your duck for once a while, give this old man some affection, I'll definitely make it worth your while." He added with a wink and that's when she finally fainted.

The Malfoy men would definitely be the death of her!


End file.
